Did I Write What I Thought I Wrote?

Often we write a memory and find ourselves off in another land, following a road into the woods, winding in and out until that road becomes a narrow path. We have strayed from our original intent or missed it altogether. We have become tangled in the undergrowth of that forest. How do we return to our original objective?


How can you be certain that you are writing or have written the story you intended to write? There are two basic approaches: You can put the effort up-front to insure you convey what you intend or you can do the work at the end.

The simplest is to do the work in the beginning by writing an outline, even a loose outline, and following it. If you wait until the end, then you must analyze your work in pieces, asking yourself the same questions: Does this sentence say what I intended it to say; is it relevant to my story?


First Method: Outline

1. Write down your topic or thesis in sentence form. One of the biggest problems with formulating a thesis is the scope of it. Often the idea is too broad (usually as a result of not being specific enough for the desired length of writing) or involves too many or too few things for the story.
A clear, well-defined thesis statement is used to unify the entire piece of writing. It defines the scope of your writing, helping to determine what should and should not be covered. It represents the first step in establishing the document's structure.
.....Example:
........Topic: The person I admired the most is my grandmother.

2. Under that list at least three points you wish to convey.
.....Example:
........Topic: The person I admired the most is my grandmother.
...........I. Features I consider to be most admirable
..........II. Why I chose this person
.........III. Examples of why I admire this person

3. Next add detail to each point.
.....Example:
........Topic: The person I admired the most is my grandmother.
..........I. Features I consider to be most admirable
..............a. Good role model – include examples
..............b. Contributions to or influence upon community/society
.........II. Why I chose this person
..............a. Commendable qualities
..............b. Particular skills
.......III. Examples of why I admire this person
.............a. Influences my life – give examples
.............b. Motivates me to inspire others – examples of what you have done

4. Continue with the outline until you have added each part you wish to include.

5. Check the outline for continuity. Omit what does not fit.

6. Write. (See Writing Tips and Suggestions below.)

7. Compare your outline to the story to see if you omitted information or added extra.

8. Revise your story after letting it set for a while so you can get a fresh view of it. (Repeat items 6-8 until you are satisfied.)


Second Method: Write First

1. Write one sentence or, at most, a paragraph about what you want to convey.
.....Example:
..........The person I admire the most is my grandmother who has inspired me to go farther than I had ever dreamed.

2. Write your first draft using the Writing Tips and Suggestions below, but do not try to write the first draft and revise it at the same time. Set the draft aside for a while.

3. Reread and ask yourself ....
.....a. Why did you choose this topic?
.....b. What information did I intend to convey?
.....c. Does that writing match the what I intended? (Ask yourself this question
after every line, and concentration on one section of your writing at a time.)
.....d. Does the draft include enough detail to satisfy the intended reader?
.....e. Does the text flow smoothly in a clear, logical order?

4. If it does not, refocus and rewrite where needed.

Writing Tips and Suggestions

With either method, the following should be considered when you write.

1. Make every word count. Be aware of what your words mean (Use a dictionary.) and make certain that the meaning aligns with what you are trying to say. Writing is communication; we need to communicate as accurately as possible.

2. Focus on describing moments with feeling and insight, and not on scenery. Your writing must tell more than what the reader could see on the front of a postcard.

3. View the moment through a microscope, not a telescope. You may not want to tell the reader everything you know, so focus in tightly on the most significant details.

4. It is not just about the story you tell, but it is also about how you tell that story. The skillful use of alliteration, allusion, metaphor, and other literary devises separates the good writing from the great.

5. Think about your reader, and write to them, being aware of how they will react to your words.

6. The best writing is unlike anything anyone has ever read, so when you write something especially clever, unique, or “arty,” double check it to make sure it makes sense.

7. Listen to podcasts about grammar, and read books and blogs about it. I recommend the podcasts Grammar Grater and Grammar Girl, the books Writing With Style by Trimble and The Writer’s Reference by Diana Hacker. If you are revising your work and something strikes you as strange, look it up. It will add to your overall knowledge of grammar, usage, and the written word.

8. Reading is the single best way to add to your vocabulary and your knowledge of language and writing.

9. Write with the proper Tone. Tone is the quality in your writing that reveals your attitude toward your topic and the reader. Tone comes from your choice of words, the structure of your sentences, and the order of the information you present. Using incorrect tone can influence the reader incorrectly.

10. Write in the active voice. Active voice makes your writing clearer and more direct. It makes the “doer” in the sentence clear. When you write in the active voice your tone will not sound bureaucratic the way passive voice does.
.....Example:
..........Active voice: I will deliver the cake as soon as you call.
..........Passive voice: The cake will be delivered as soon as you call.

Skeletons in the Closet

“Writing a life story means dealing with the discomfort that past episodes and people may bring. Because the task requires us to face our own embarrassment and even the censure of our family, we need to thoughtfully and critically analyze the bones of the past.”1

No family is squeaky clean. Everyone has skeletons in their family’s closet, and what to do with them is your choice. You can choose to leave them hidden or expose them. Your approach in exposing them can range from a delicate mention to a full explanation of the circumstances. It seems the best approach to be to "tell, don't dwell." That is, do not whitewash your family history by excluding the story, but do not embellish it or make it the focus of your writing.2 Forward-looking Elizabeth Shown Mills, a noted genealogy author, states: “Let's don't bury truths our offspring may need for reasons we cannot anticipate.”

We must remember that what is scandalous in some societies is quite acceptable in others; what was unacceptable in earlier times is now less important. It was once a mar on the family that someone had a child out of wedlock, was sent to a mental hospital, had a birth defect, or was hung as a horse thief. Time and a change in society’s attitudes have erased that blemish on the family tree. However, there may be a living relative who has not conformed to society’s norms and is an embarrassment to the family. Those relatives are few compared to the whole, but it is still important to tell their story. Not everyone is all bad and each of us has difficulties getting through what life presents us at times.


Skeleton Pride

More and more people are sharing their wayward kin with the world. Australians are proud of their convicted ancestors; many genealogists hope to find some interesting family member embroiled in a scandal. We wear a badge of pride to know our ancestors had a colorful past. There are many websites dedicated to helping researchers discover more about their errant relatives and to boast of the family indignities. Below is a few:

International Black Sheep Society of Genealogists -- A site and mailing list for those who have an "infamous individual of public knowledge and ill-repute in their family."

Notable Woman Ancestors' notorious women


A Sampling of Prison Sites

Cyndi's List of prisons, prisoners and outlaws

Illinois Department of Corrections allows you to search for inmates, including those who have died or been discharged. Gives name, birth date, offense and physical description

Colorado State Corrections Records

Proceedings of the Old Bailey (London's Central Criminal Court) 1674 to 1913


Old vs. New Skeletons

Writing about a family skeleton of long ago can be much different than letting one out of the closet who is living or whose victims are still living. Also, the degree of misbehavior suggests latitude in divulging the circumstances, and how you handle these situations may be very different.


Impact on Family

You must consider the impact upon the living family members. If there are relatives who may be upset with the details of the scandal, approach them with bits of information and gradually see if they are open to accepting public acknowledgment of the situation. Carefully write the facts so not to embellish nor to lie. If family members would be hurt by sharing the story with the entire family, then write the story as you desire and either share it only with those who are comfortable or wait until which time the family members who would be hurt are no longer living or have accepted the situation. Perhaps you may wish to chose to write the full truth and preserve it for future generations, regardless. If your writing will be published for others besides your family, then you need public documents to support your story.

Point of View and Tone

Consider your point of view and tone when you write about delicate situations. If you take the time to learn about the social history of your ancestor’s time and location, you can better understand why the event was or was not acceptable in that society. For example, if your family owned slaves in the early 1800s you may be hesitant to write about it as today slavery is so very sensitive a topic. Those were different times in the South then. You should not justify the behavior, but give the background of the culture that allowed this to occur. Writing with factual information, an understanding of the time without judgment leaves the reader ready to accept the history of the family, without condoning it. Remembering to write about the circumstances that lead to the unacceptable behavior shows that our ancestors or living relatives may have been doing their best with what they had. Writing with the attitude that we all try to do our best although we do not always making the best choices in a situation is a fairer approach.

Do not write to attack others or to defend yourself. Write to tell the story couched in the circumstance of the time and culture. When writing about difficult situations, stick to facts and events, refraining from judging your relatives. Frank McCourt’s Angela’s Ashes, tells of the horrors of alcoholism and poverty in his family, yet he never makes a judgmental comment, but based his story on events written with love and humor.

One of the most difficult skeletons may be that of abuse: physical, mental and sexual. These topics are unacceptable, but common, in our current society. Instead of making these negative stories the focus of the family history, you can develop the roles of a husband, father, and how it took a strong woman to remain with an abuser or to get out of the situation and seek help for her children. You could look into the troubled childhood of the abuser or the financial circumstances which help create a short fuse that flared and singed the family. There were good times with the bad, no doubt and all should be shared.

Using Themes

You could develop your stories into certain themes: racism, interracial marriages, spousal and child abuse, effects on the family during Depression. You could also develop the story by explaining how writing this family history allowed you to see that this person wants to love, except he/she is too afraid to expose true feelings.


Lessons from the Closet to Brought to Light in Love and Forgiveness

When you go beyond reporting events you invite the reader to learn from the experiences. Lessons from the past can be used to deal with current problems. Family histories can “elevate the pain of the past with forgiveness, arrive (sic) at a larger truth about families in various stages of brokenness. There’s no self-pity, no whining, no hunger for revenge.” Write about troubled family members or ancestry with love and positive purpose. Do not write a history only to have your readers say, “Oh, that was terrible!” Invite your readers to experience the raw, human emotions and acquaint themselves with their ancestors.

Remember, you do not have to tell the whole story. Simply choose the degree of exposure that best suits your purpose. Keep a neutral point of view that allows your audience to make their own conclusions. Develop the negative situation into an enlightening, reasonable setting. Remember, you should not write the ‘perfect family’ history, but instead, a history that is perfect for your family.3


Questions to assist in writing about a family skeleton4

1. Does the episode fit within my life story's boundaries?
Living doesn't occur in a vacuum. However, if everything is interrelated, what is relevant, what should be included and what should be excluded?

Ask if the episode furthers your purpose for writing the story. Discovery lies at the heart of a life story. Focus on describing the past, instead of manipulating it to create an acceptable picture.

Ask if the episode explains a family dynamic or merely gossips. Because memoirs can further understanding of the present, an event that gives insight is of greater importance than if it solely titillates.

Develop criteria for what to include or exclude. Include episodes that expand current knowledge, reinforce existing information or add new evidence about the family. Include information that refutes commonly held belief, but omit what repeats the already-known.

2. Does the episode fit the thematic statement of my life story?
By focusing on causes, solutions or consequences, a thematic statement helps in dealing with a family skeleton. Issues and concerns that result from differing opinions about values, such as Cousin Susie's alternative lifestyle or Uncle Charlie's marrying "that woman" can be analyzed in terms of such a statement.

Look for recurring patterns to confirm that the episode fits the story's focus. Weigh the story's credibility. Consider the event's uniqueness and if it will add interesting detail. Decide if the story's inclusion shines light on other unexplored recesses of the closet. Ask yourself if the timing is good to include the story.

3. What's my strategy for uncovering additional information?
Hours of deciphering primary documents, travel to distant relatives or pressing reluctant sources for more information may become necessary once the closet door is opened. Try adding information bit by bit. Inch into the unknown, looking for confirming patterns.

Use a bridging technique to fill in blanks from uncooperative sources. Starting with reliable sources, build sets of known information and then span the space between. A reluctant individual may even help you build the bridge between the knowns, for cross-referencing can draw information from even the most uncooperative sources.

Decide when to stop. If a pattern has emerged, if all sources have been exhausted or if the information becomes repetitious, you may want to stop. You may decide that one more source is not worth the bad feelings that could result from pressing too hard.

4. Can I corroborate the authenticity of my story?
Proving a story true is not the issue. How you convince your reader of the authenticity of your interpretation is also important.

Utilize triangulation. Researchers use this method to test one source against another until satisfied of the interpretation's validity. You can do the same when writing about the family skeleton because more mention of it increases the chances of its truth. Weigh new information against established knowns. If a person raises concerns, get input from him or her by asking, "This is what I have found so far, what do you think?"

Use multiple sources of information, such as oral histories, contemporary interviews, documents, newspapers, books and diaries, to double-check what you have learned.

If you can't confirm every detail, remember research theorist Egon Guba's words, "Tolerance of ambiguity is a virtue."

5. Who is my audience for this memoir, and when will they read it?
Publishing a memoir means a different reading audience than if you write for yourself or your immediate family.

Consider not releasing the story. Instead, donate it to an archives, stipulating that it be sealed until the story's subjects die. Ask if the episode will make the individuals in your life story more real for future readers.

Remember that you are writing the story for the future. Life stories enlarge our families to include past and future, filling voids that have appeared with the weakening of the extended family. Family stories give us role models or generational perspectives for handling crises.

6. Have I maintained objectivity in the way I'm sharing the information?
Although bias is part of life, unconscious bias, conscious prejudice, or downright gullibility may threaten your objectivity about the family skeleton.
Remain open to other perspectives that aren't the same as yours, remembering Guba's words, "Having an open mind is not equivalent to having an empty one."

Strive for fairness in telling a story, asking yourself, "Is it free from distortion and bias?"

Ask if including the story is humane and handled with respect. Does it reflect respect for the person in the story?

7. Have I maintained a view of the whole picture, not just one side?
A holistic approach to writing a life story puts skeletons in a context, for who is to say what is right and what is wrong? Beware of using the word "should" either implicitly or explicitly. Avoid dwelling on the problem, emphasizing instead solutions. Let the reader know that you are writing your perspective. Episodes that may raise concerns can be introduced with, "From my perspective ."

Remind the reader that the episode is drawn from family oral tradition if that is the case. However, avoid allowing the multiple viewpoints to fragment the story.

Because each situation is unique, there is no formula for safely handling family skeletons. Opening the door for your skeleton is a learning experience whether or not the episode is written into your life story. And you may find that what felt like a warning was really a bony finger tapping out a message that the key to a well-written life story lies in focusing on how the world is experienced.


“The key for writing about our family’s skeletons is remembering that no matter what lies in the past, it does not affect who you are. You are the result of all the decisions your family has made in the past. You should respect your history, but not let it interfere with your future. Your family may have many skeletons. It is just important to keep an open mind and be ready for anything.”5

George Bernard Shaw once said: “If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”



Sources: (Sadly, some of these pages are no longer available on the internet)
1. http://www.writersdigest.com/article/7_Tips_for_Telling_Your_Life_Story/
2. http://www.byub.org/ancestors/records/familyhistory/intro2.html
3. http://www.geocities.com/shhardatabase/writing_an_honest_family_history
4. http://www.writersdigest.com/article/7_Tips_for_Telling_Your_Life_Story/
5. http://www.reports24.com/genealogy/possible-family-skeletons-could-be-hanging-in-your-family-tree/

Emily
Jan 2011

Memoirs - Popular Book Genre

For the last few years memoir writing has been a popular genre among publishers and the public. With my interest in getting everyone to write their childhood memories and family stories, I began collecting books of people I have met who have written about their life. I am now reaching the point where I have not met everyone, but I do try to get their autographs. I have never been interested in autographs, but I think doing so for this genre emphasizes the human connection to the stories.

Several books in my collection are listed at the bottom right of this website. I urge you to read them. The variety is amazing, and to know that these are real people who have lived through some unique times makes personal history so much more important than what is given to us in history books. You may not feel that your life is as unique as these, but to your descendants it is just as important. Many of us do not realize that we are living history daily and that our individual lives actually create our collective history.


The following is a short review of each book listed and my connection to the authors.


Childhood Shadows: The Hidden Story of the Black Dahlia by Mary Pacios, Author House, 2007
Mary Pacios was a childhood acquaintance of Bette Short, dubbed the Black Dahlia. After years of anguish over how Bette has been treated in the media, Mary wrote her own book, disproving all the suspects in this brutal murder, and reaching a surprising conclusion about who may have been the killer. Mary explained that once she stumbled upon the possibility of Bette’s real murderer, she tried to disprove the possibility, but too many facts pointed in the direction of this famous Hollywood star. Mary has twenty-five pages of resources to support her work. Do check that you read the most current edition.
Mary, an artist by profession, has been in my writing class for a few years and has nearly completed her second book. This one is about her life stories with the underlying theme of the struggles of women since the 1940s.


Code Name: Copperhead: My True-Life Exploits as a Special Forces Soldier by Sergeant Major Joe R. Garner, US Army (Ret.), Simon & Schuster, NY, 1994
Sergeant Major Joe R. Garner served in the Vietnam War with twenty-one of his twenty-seven years in the Special Forces. His book was so well documented that Simon and Schuster made no disclaimer regarding the content, unlike many Vietnam era books. His story tells about his exploits during a time when our country was in conflict over the war; during a time when we were told we were not in Cambodia, but Joe was there. These memories are written honestly by an athlete who left high school to help support his family; by a courageous soldier who was the first man to jump with an A-bomb on his back; by a brave combatant who saw his best missions as saving the lives of other soldiers.
Joe is the husband of my cousin Kathy who used her Singer Sewing Machine to remake parachutes for Joe and his team as the Army wanted to perfect their use for combat. I have had the pleasure of hearing many stories of events happening after the war which are related to POWs, MIAs, and mercenaries. Most of these are not in the book and do not shed a positive light on our government. Joe is from the hills of Tennessee and continues living in the wooded area of the Ozarks which he much prefers over city life.


Soul Survivor: The Reincarnation of a World War II Fighter Pilot by Bruce and Andrea Leininger, Grand Central Publishing, New York, 2009
Some children have imaginary playmates, see what others call ghosts, or just make strange statements which adults dismiss as nothing. Given the religious norms of most people in the US, the majority of the population does not believe in reincarnation or ghosts. We have fewer reported incidents of such events when compared to other countries, but this story is considered the best case of a child’s past life memory in America. At age two James began to form sentences and revealed facts about World War II airplanes that baffled his parents. His father, a non-believer in past lives tried to disprove his son’s story. In the end, James was able to talk with the sister of the dead WWII pilot who died in a fiery crash. James was able to tell the sister information that only her brother would have known.
This family lives in a small town in Louisiana near the sister of my good friend. When my friend’s sister celebrated their fiftieth wedding anniversary, this book, signed by the authors and son James, was distributed to the guests.


Run Jane Run: A True Story of Murder and Courage by Jane Wells, New Horizon Press, Far Hills, NJ, 1996
A Kentucky law forbade a wife from divorcing her husband if she was pregnant, so Jane endured abuse and physical beatings until her child arrived. She entered a woman’s shelter and divorced. Along the way, the legal system blocked her way and defended her husband. Her abusive second husband murdered her first husband in front of two of her children when he returned to help Jane. She is currently living in a different state with her children as the ex-husband is not in jail, but married again. Jane has completed a degree in criminal justice, political science and women’s studies. She currently works with battered women, and has appeared on Oprah.
I will only state that I know Jane’s youngest child well, and have had several conversations with her as their location must remain anonymous.


Son of Scarface: A Memoir by the Grandson of Al Capone by Chris W. Knight, New Era Publishing, LCC, New York, 2007
Chris discovered when his father died during his teen years that he was the grandson of Al Capone. Chris retrieved his father’s address book his mother was discarding. This book provided clues to his father’s identity, and lead Chris on a research investigation leading him to conclude that his father was really Sonny Capone. His story focuses on a mentally disturbed mother and times of joy when his father was home. It is amazing how much Chris looks like Al Capone.
Chris is a member of my Campania, Italy DNA Project. He tested and is hoping to have other members of the Capone family test. He was just another tester until I mentioned my interest in people writing their memories. He then told me about his book and sent me a copy. I hope to meet him some day.


Somehow, We'll Survive: Life in Japan During WWII Through the Eyes of young Caucasian Boy by George Sidline, Vera Vista Publishing, 2007
The Sidline family left Eastern Europe and lived in Japan where George was born. The book focuses on George’s life in Japan during World War II where the family dodged American bombs, avoided Germans who also lived in Japan, made friends with the American POWs in the house next door, dealt with food shortages, and attended English-language schools. How the Sidline and other Jewish families were treated by the Japanese was remarkable. His experiences and perspective of the war make a unique story.
George lives locally and spoke to my writing class about his life. The presentation was also attended by members of the Jewish and Japanese community as well as a local ethnic newspaper.


Often there is little we can control in our lives, but we do know that the events of our lives either strengthen us or break us. All of these authors have found success regardless of their past. They do not tell their stories for pity, but to record their lives so it may help others understand that good can come from evil, that understanding and supporting each other makes us stronger as a people. Only through telling the stories can the events live as testimony of a time that has been or needs to be altered ... of a time where understanding and acceptance is required ... of a time that will help all of us open our eyes and hearts to what is and what can be.

Our stories have unspeakable value. We cannot judge that value; only time and the future generations can.


Enjoy,
Emily
©Aulicino, Aug 2010

Who’s Who in the Family

Many of your personal stories contain family members which are mentioned from time to time. Some have their individual stories while others may play minor rolls for now. You may have referenced a particular grandmother or favorite uncle often. Have you clearly stated which grandmother or uncle? Do you find yourself repeating the connection in other stories? Are there relatives you have not mentioned?

This may be the perfect time to create a family directory to clarify who’s who and to ensure everyone has at least some small part in your memoirs.

This directory can include each member of your immediate family as well as your aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. You may choose to go back as far as you can with family members, even if you do not write stories about every individual.

Write a short paragraph for each person, recording their occupation, interests, and hobbies. Include their relationship to you and to other family members (i.e., the wife or husband of…). Give any dates of birth, death, burial, and marriage as well as the location of each where possible. In what town or part of a town did they resided or, if living, where?

You may wish to add something personal regarding your relationship with each person. This could be how close you were, what you remember most, what traditional activity you did with them.

No doubt this can be a writing that is continuous as you may wish to add more ancestors or to include new family members added through birth or marriage.

Consider placing this directory in the back of your compiled stories or as an appendix.


Enjoy,
Emily
“Memoing” My Memories
Topic 301: Who’s Who in the Family
©Aulicino, 21 Jun 2010

Legacy of the Sandwich Man

Over the past few years, I have given my writing students a topic that asked who has changed their lives and whose lives they have changed in some way. It is often a subject that we think requires some great act or one that results in some momentous change. This is seldom the case.

My local newspaper had such a story which needs to be shared. Although I wrote the topic prior to this, the story illustrates what I had in mind.

The Oregonian (Portland, Oregon), November 22, 2009, Section O, page 2. “The legacy of the sandwich man” by Margie Boule.

I paraphrase this powerful piece without violating the privacy of the family involved.

A middle-aged man (I’ll call him Sam.) died suddenly, and the family published his obituary. Another man happened to see the photo and recognized the deceased. He visited the chapel where the viewing was held, but entered when the family had left. As this man appeared to be homeless, the lady (I’ll call her Ellen.) overseeing the visitation followed the man into the chapel fearing he would steal something. When Ellen asked if she could help the man, the homeless gentleman turned, and she could see tears in his eyes as he asked if this was truly the sandwich man.

The homeless man told Ellen of standing outside a building Sam passed daily. Although the man asked for money, at some point Sam decided to offer him a sandwich instead. A few times a week Sam would walk by, handing the homeless man the sandwich and never preaching to him about his situation. The man told Ellen that he shared the sandwich with others.

The funeral was held and hundreds of people attended, giving testimony of Sam’s other good deeds of helping the elderly, loaning money, supporting co-workers, etc. His family had no idea these acts of kindness had occurred.

The homeless many did not attend the funeral, but his story haunted Ellen and the stories of Sam’s kindness at the funeral made her wish she had known him. A week later, Ellen bought an extra sandwich and headed to the building where the homeless man was stationed. She handed him the sandwich; he smiled and said thank you. She continued this kindness until her company moved her to another suburb.

She started telling Sam’s story to her family and friends. She urged them to pass out sandwiches and many do. One of her friends has a bag of socks in her car and gives them out. Ellen has given her umbrella to a mother and child walking in the rain. She has purchased extra fast food to share with those more in need.

Ellen stated that Sam has changed her, and she now looks for ways to help others. The legacy of the Sandwich Man lives on in Ellen and her friends.

In this New Year, you can be the Sandwich Man. I challenge you to do acts of kindness every day and not to judge those people in need. Do not just say thank you or open a door; stretch yourself to do better than that. Make a list of what you can do; add to the list often; check off what you are doing. As you practice more random acts of kindness, more ideas will come to mind for your list.

To start your ideas, try these:

1. Carry protein bars in your car or your purse and hand them out to people on the road or sidewalk who need help.

2. Most cities have a location where you can purchase food certificates for the homeless. Buy those and pass those out. Be sure that you are in the area where the restaurant is as most homeless have difficulty getting around.

3. For the holidays and winter, purchase hats, scarves, gloves, and coats of all sizes for children. These can be dropped off at various shelters or schools.

4. In August gather school supplies you find on sale at various stories. Donate them to your local school. They will use them for those who cannot afford the items.

5. Take your old clothing to a Women’s shelter for the women and their children.

6. Take your used blankets and pillows to shelters.

7. Volunteer at a soup kitchen.

8. Help an elderly neighbor with cooking, cleaning, or doing errands.

9. Take food regularly to your local food bank.

10. If you are behind a person in the grocery line who is carefully counting their pennies or returning an item, let them know it is their lucky day and you are giving your change to help or buying the item for them.

11. Greet everyone on the street even if they do not return the gesture. Be sincere and ask how they are or wish them a good day. SMILE

12. Carry items in your car that you no longer really need. Everyone has more coats or gloves than we really need. Did you make cookies…hand out bags of them. Share what you have; hand them out to those who need them. You are better off than half of the population!


So how does this fit writing your childhood memories and family stories?

Think back on who gave you a little boost when you may have needed it. Maybe it was only verbal encouragement or they let you off the hook in a situation. Write about the people who changed your life, even in small ways. Write about how you have helped others in the past and now that you will continue the legacy of the Sandwich Man.


BUT more importantly, for this New Year…

As we age we either get sweeter or become grouchier. Which way are you leaning?

Vow to make the future better for everyone. Give of yourself so that you can receive; help those less off than you; practice random acts of kindness. In doing all this your days will be happy. You never know how much you touch another person and what a difference you make in their lives. Live as if there is nothing more important….because there isn’t!

May the New Year bring kindness and generosity to every heart. May it start with each of us!


Enjoy,
Emily
1 Jan 2010

Children Find Meaning in Old Family Tales

Many of you may know that I administrate a writing group on Yahoo. Recently, one of its members sent me an article from the Wall Street Journal (March 11, 2009, page D1) entitled: Life Stories: Children Find Meaning in Old Family Tales by Sue Shellenbarger.

As this article clearly supports my opinion on the value of sharing family stories, with permission from the author, it is reprinted here.


MARCH 11, 2009, 3:36 A.M. ET
Life Stories: Children Find Meaning in Old Family Tales
By Sue Shellenbarger

When C. Stephen Guyer's three children were growing up, he told them stories about how his grandfather, a banker, lost all in the 1930s, but didn't lose sight of what he valued most. In one of the darkest times, Mr. Guyer says, when his grandfather was nearly broke, he loaded his family into the car and took them to see family members in Canada. The message: "There are more important things in life than money," says Mr. Guyer, of Littleton, Colo.

The tale took on new relevance recently, when Mr. Guyer downsized to a small house from a more luxurious one. He was worried that his children, a daughter, 15, and twins, 22, would be upset. To his surprise, they weren't. Instead, their reaction echoed their great-grandfather's. "What they care about," Mr. Guyer says his children told him, "is how warm are the people in the house, how much of their heart is accessible."

As parents cut budgets, many are finding family stories have surprising power to help children through hard times. Storytelling experts say the phenomenon reflects a growing national interest in telling tales, evidenced by a rise in storytelling events and festivals. New research bears out the value of family stories, linking teens' knowledge of them to better behavior and mental health.

An Emory University study of 65 families with children ages 14 to 16 found kids' ability to retell parents' stories was linked to a lower rate of depression and anxiety and less acting-out of frustration or anger, says Robyn Fivush, a psychology professor. Knowing family stories "helps children put their own experience in perspective," Dr. Fivush says.

The trick is telling the stories in a way children can hear. We're not talking here about the kind of story that begins, "When I was a kid, I walked to school every day uphill both ways, barefoot in the snow." Instead, choose a story suited to your child's needs, and make eye contact to create "a personal experience," says Sherry Norfolk, chairman of the National Storytelling Network, a Jonesborough, Tenn., nonprofit. "You don't have to tell children what they should take from the story," she says. "They can intuitively understand what the moral is."

When Carla Freeman's daughter became anxious a few years ago about having to change schools, the Atlanta mother related her own childhood stories of switching to another school in her community. Her old friends dropped her and, at her new school, "I was kind of an oddball" at first, she told her daughter. But Ms. Freeman bounced back and made new friends. She credits the stories with helping her daughter, now 12, develop resiliency and the ability to "hold herself together" against challenges.

A touch of humor helps. At Scott Prengle's Dallas home, his son Bobby, 17, has heard tales about his grandfather growing up in times so hard that his hungry schoolmates would devour apple cores left over from his lunch. As Bobby tapped a nearly empty salad-dressing bottle over his salad at dinner one evening, Scott laughed and invited him to do as his grandfather did: Put water in the bottle and shake it up, to use every last drop. Scott says his father's frugal habits "drove us crazy, but the idea was that nothing went to waste."

While Bobby declined to water down his dressing, he says of his grandfather that "I follow in his footsteps" in other ways, saving paper clips and rubber bands. And when Scott recently trimmed the family budget, he thought he saw an echo of his late father in Bobby, in the way he calmly accepted the loss of his oft-used gym membership.

Even when you think your children aren't listening to your stories, Dr. Fivush says, they probably are. Thomas Pontes thought his children, 12, 14 and 16, shrugged off tales of his grandfather, an immigrant farmhand who worked his way up from living in a barn to owning a home. To Mr. Pontes, of Providence, R.I., the story shows "the kind of optimism you need to pick yourself up from a field somewhere tending cattle" to cross the Atlantic, fueled solely by hope.

But when I asked his daughter Katie, 16, about the stories, she not only remembered them, but said they've "helped me become more appreciative of my life and how easy things are for me." Even if kids don't seem to appreciate family stories, she says, in time they'll "realize just how important they are."


Ms. Shellenbarger, resident of Portland Oregon area, is the creator and writer of The Wall Street Journal’s “Work & Family” column for which she has received several awards. (See: http://familiesandwork.org/site/events/wlla/site/honorees/2005bios/shellenbarger.html)

Thank you Ms. Shellenbarger.

Emily Aulicino
Portland, Oregon
©29 March 2009

Making History by Kim Pearson

Making History: How to remember, record, interpret, and share the events of your life by Kim Pearson, Primary Sources Books, an imprint of Wyatt-MacKenzie, Issaquah, WA (www.primary-sources.com). ISBN: 978-1-032279-75-7. Copyright 2007. $24.95.

I do not usually review books, but when Kim sent me a copy, when several from my writing classes were interested in it, and as her idea of writing is similar to mine, I decided to mention it in my blog.

Many books have been written on the topic of writing one’s memoir. Formerly, there were the books for grandparents which asked basic questions about their lives, then came the books with the one-line topics. The latest generation of memoir writing books encompasses the reasons for writing, various topics, and suggested leads for those topics. Ms. Pearson’s book falls within the latter.

The book begins with excerpts from her writing class and from her own experiences. Although the book may start out a bit slow for some of us who have been involved in teaching such classes, there are many interesting stories which could give the reader ideas and activate the reader’s memories.

Making History is divided into sections: Why Tell Your Stories?, How to Tell Your Stories, and How Your Stories Fit into History with several chapters for each. She explains why she wrote the book and offers her sources (mostly Web sources) and some suggested reading.

Most of us understand that writing is therapeutic, although many genealogists wish to embellish their research by going beyond the dates and places of their ancestors. Many of us write to record those family stories and childhood memories for the future generations. Ms. Pearson gives ideas on how to deal with too much information as all of us have too little time to write all we really know about our lives and those of our ancestors.

From that point, Ms. Pearson divides her book into various sections (Economics & Politics, The Social Fabric, Wars & the International Scene, Technology & Science, Crime & Disaster, Arts & Entertainment, Lifestyle Activities, and The Weird, Trivial & Hard-to-Classify) and offers a detailed timeline for each period. Timelines start in 1930 and most end in 1989 with a few ending earlier. However, the best part of her book ends each of those chapters with ideas on which people can write. Usually there are about a dozen paragraphs for each chapter like the following.

“Scan the events timelines. What sparks a memory? Is there an event listed that makes you think, ‘oh yea, I remember that’? If so, write about this event. How did you learn about it? Di you talk about it? With whom? Were you inspired to do something because of this event? Did this event change your life in any way? Change your thinking?” (p. 119)

All though the timelines are extensive, they are not, of course, all encompassing. Many of these events were probably overlooked in most of our lives, but one never knows what statement will trigger a memory. You can supplement these timelines by using the Internet, if needed.

I suggest using this book as a workbook; that is, one needs to mark it up, underlining and starring important topics and ideas as the book is read. Use post-it notes so you can return to relevant topics and suggestions.

I am pleased to see this quality of book for writing one’s memories, especially as I have used similar techniques in teaching students and know them to work. I have applied the same method of including detailed prompts in my own publication (See the icon on this blog at the right.) and would encourage any of you not to purchase any book on writing prompts unless there is more detail for each topic than just a line or two.

Emily Aulicino
© Mar 2009