Once again, we have a wonderful story by a guest writer form my local class in Portland. You may recognize her from some previous blog posts. Lee adds wonderful humor in her writing and definitely has had some great experiences! I hope you enjoy this piece.
Thank You, Mr. Bell
Jerry
Seinfeld was ranting about some of the things in everyday life that perplexed
him. It’s funny how he makes you think of things that annoy but can make you
laugh. It reminded me of some of my life’s funniest moments that have happened on
the telephone. Some sad and tragic news has also come along those wires;
however, where would we be without it?
Remember
the days of going to the neighbors to use the telephone because it was the only
one in the neighborhood? And now I have three in my four room apartment, and,
of course, I can never find one when it is ringing. I often wonder if Mr. Bell
knows what he started those many years ago.
It took my
mother a while to believe that the phone didn’t ring only in times of disaster.
The telephone brought a call to inform my mother of the death of her
younger brother. It was a freak accident while he was driving from
Pennsylvania to California. Then there was the call from the coast guard to
inform us my father and uncle had been rescued at sea. We knew they were late
coming home from their fishing trip, but we didn't know they were adrift at
sea. However, the telephone could be a very handy thing for my mother. She
could call my friends on the phone and tell me it was time to come home.
As I
reached my teenage years I discovered the art of talking endlessly and not
saying anything to my friends who did the same. The sole purpose being to
irritate my parents, and this I learned when I had teenagers.
In my later
years I found the phone a nuisance but necessary in my business as an interior
designer. I spent most of my days on the
phone with clients and vendors. One day a salesperson appeared at my office
begging five minutes of my time. “I have the perfect solution for people on the
go, you will love this.” was his opening line. He opened his brief case and
pulled out a telephone that was at least a foot long and big enough that my hand
could barely fit around. It weighed at least two pounds.
“This is a car phone. It will allow
you to keep in touch with your office whenever you are on the road. You can
conduct business from your car. It’s fantastic!”
“You’re
joking,” I replied. “The only time during the day that I have any peace and
quiet and time to think creatively is when I am in my car. Thanks but no
thanks!” The look on his face was non-believing. “
“How could I not want the latest
thing? Any body who is anybody will have one!”
“I guess I am nobody,” was my
reply.
Two day’s later I entered a
client’s home with a key. She was at work in the Portland Mayor’s office and
had called to say she would not turn on the alarm if I wanted to go in and
measure the windows. Of course she forgot and turned on her alarm. It was so
loud that it was rattling the windows and hurt my ears. I ran to the neighbors
on both sides of the house and across the street, but no one was home. I waited
in my car for the police to come, and about twenty of the longest minutes of my
life later, a patrol car pulled up. “Should I arrest you for breaking and
entering or noise pollution?” he asked with a grin.
He went in the house, turned off
the alarm and explained that he got the code from the alarm company. He told me
to finish my business and lock the door on the way out. He also told me that he
knew my client well and had responded several times to her alarm. He called her
at work, and her office informed him that she was chairing a committee meeting
on the escalation of home burglaries in the Portland area. We had a good laugh
and then he said, “Too bad you don’t have one of those new car phones, you
could have called the police”.
One night
after a dinner out with friends, I came home about 10:00 and since it was too
early for bed, I settled on the couch to catch some television. The phone rang
and when I answered a quavering voice said, “I would like to make a
pledge.”
I told her
she had the wrong number and we both hung up. I turned to OPB, and sure enough
it was pledge week. My phone number was 245-2345. The pledge number was 245-2346,
and I usually got a call or two during pledge week. About 10 minutes later the
phone rang again. It was the same quivering voice wanting to make a pledge. Again
I told her she had the wrong number and this time she apologized profusely, but
before hanging up I explained that she wanted a six instead of a five.
A few
minutes later the phone rang again. This time I had pen and paper ready, and I
took her pledge information. Then she told me the story of how she had been
calling the wrong number and a very nice lady answered and gave her the right
number. After we hung up I called in her pledge and mine, and I have been an
OPB member ever since.
It was
summer and the weather had been great. I told my crew that I wouldn’t be in the
office before 10:00 the next morning because I had client appointment that
night and I fully intended to sleep in. My phone rang at 7:30. I answered, “Do
you know what time it is?”
A male
voice responded, “Yes gorgeous, I know what time it is, and I know how you look
just waking up, and I was wondering why I wasn’t there? But I’m calling to see
if you would like to go on a picnic today. The day is beautiful, and I don’t
have to be in the office today, so what do you say?”
By this
time I was awake and wondering who on earth this was. I would hate to think I
have slept with someone and not recognized his voice…that was just not my
style. When I asked who is inviting me to a picnic? He responded, “Come on
Sally, don’t kid. You know who this is.
We had dinner last week and a great night and morning in bed.” Evidently
Sally had more style than I did, and now I was intrigued.
“Where did
we have dinner?”
“Zeffiro. Come
on, you remember.”
Wow, I
thought, that was the newest restaurant in town and very expensive so Sally did
have more style. “Listen to me, we did not have dinner and my name isn’t Sally.
You obviously have a wrong number at 7:30 in the morning, and I am not happy.”
“Are you
sure this is not Sally? Is your number 245-2345?”
When I replied, “It seems Sally
gave you a wrong number.”
I expected some protests that she
wouldn’t do such a thing but without missing a beat he said, “Well, she wasn’t
that good in bed anyway. You sound really sexy, would you like to go on a
picnic?”
“Well, I would. You sound sexy, too,
and I think we could have great fun. I will be honest with you, I have a weight
problem, but I am down to 350.” The phone went dead.
Now that I was wide-awake I got
ready for work and went to my office. When they asked why I came in so early I
told them about my phone call. They all laughed and Helen said, “Lee go write
that down and put it in your book.”
I used to say when something crazy
happened, “One day I am going to write a book!”
I had been retired for one week and
was already bored. My son’s friend was working with a company that did
political polling and had just been promoted. One day she called and pleaded
for me to help out as they had a rush poll to do and had several people out
sick…and two had quit.
I went to the office took a short
test, and they hired me. What an experience that was!
I was amazed at the messages people
left on their answering machines and the old people who loved answering polls
just to have someone to talk to. It was also a confirmation of my opinion that
a large percentage of the American people should not be allowed to vote due to
stupidity. The call that made me quit was truly funny.
A young man of twenty-eight from
Hood River didn’t know the president’s name let alone his congressman or
senators. He answered every question with a question. I was thinking, “how does
he live, he’s as dumb as a fence post”. At the end of the poll we were supposed
to ask, “Do you have any questions?”
When he answered yeah, I thought
maybe he’d taken an interest in his government. Then he asked, “Do you date?”
Flabbergasted, I answered, “Yes,
yes I do but I live in San Francisco.”
“Oh damn” was his response and hung
up.
The auditor who listened in on
phone calls came over to my desk laughing and said, “I could not believe how
dumb that guy was but you were great keeping your cool. You deserve a raise”
I said, “Thank you very much but
this will be my last week. My frustration factor is full.”
Yes, Mr. Bell you gave the world a
great invention, but gone are the days of the polite phone operator; she has
been replaced by the frustrating voice mail. Gone is the rotary dial and the
ability to connect with people.
Instead we have phones that can
answer any question that you ask, take pictures of things that should not be
photographed. And now you don’t even have to talk on a phone; you can type out
your message in shorthand. But mostly today’s phones keep humans from
connecting to humans. I thought it was just desserts when the Japanese
government said that the number one accident for teenagers was walking into
objects while texting. If I never hear the words selfie and apps again, it will
be too soon.
I am hoping that soon texting will
be limited to a certain area like smoking. I have banned phones at my dinner
table, and if someone has to answer their cell phone they can go into another
room. Phones should not be allowed in public places as there are things I have
overheard that could get people arrested and things that make me think less of
my fellow man. But the lingering question I have Mr. Bell is why does my phone
mostly ring when I am in the bathroom?
Lee
V.
12
Nov 2014
Posts
