Monday, July 25, 2016


There is power in poetry.  It can tug at our heartstrings, make us laugh, and heal our souls in ways that prose cannot.  Speaking in short terms, it allows the space for the reader to fill the gaps based on their own experiences, taking on personal meaning, not unlike the individual's interpretation of works of art.

The following poem was written before Sue B. joined the writing class. As the result of a discussion with her, we concluded that writing an introduction for each poem would provide some background, a setting, or explanation as to why she was moved to write about a particular event.  

        Recently it was Mother’s Day, and I wished I could have looked forward to it and enjoyed it as many women and men do. Unfortunately, I couldn’t as my mother was an alcoholic and a raging one at that. All thru my childhood and later when I was an adult, and especially after my father died when I was 5, things got rough for myself and my siblings. (As a matter of fact, I do not believe I even met the real person my mother was – or became – until 6 months before her death when she became so incapacitated she was no longer able to obtain alcohol by herself – and thus was dried out by her doctors, and I met this sweet woman I had never met before.)
        But especially during my childhood, she was quite the emotional abuser, and her mood swings were vast and her meanness differed widely depending on the time of day and how much she had had to drink. Often she was very harsh in her judgments, “Well, if you have to say you’re sorry for doing it, you wouldn’t have done it in the first place….” Didn’t leave much room for self-acceptance, self-forgiveness, and self-love – much less any of that for others. 
        And so I do not have any loving poems written to my mother, or for her, rather she was the inspiration for several poems I have written during my continual healing journey toward my own self-love and wholeness.


  I have a place within me
         it is my sacred space   

It holds my thoughts, my dreams, my songs
        no one else's - it is mine and I like it that way,
        in fact - I demand it that way

It holds no one else's hopes or truths or joys - just mine
        so why would anyone else want to take it from me?

Oh I speak not of the joy of sharing scared space with
        loved ones - the hold circle of communion - 

I tell of the opening of the soul without its permission

The incision of a scalpel, so small but sharp, the rendering
        of my insides without even my permission

"It is not your right to ask me why or even question how.
        Just accept it as my right since I am so big and you
        are so small, and obviously don't even know right
        from wrong."

But I knew....somehow the little voice inside of me remained and 
        whispered always...."That is a lie.  You have the right to your
        insides, your emotions, and the scared space is yours alone 
        (and mine.)"

But the knives they did not cease, they sliced thru every day, and
        soon my feelings became the playground of the high and

I was taught the games to please and pleasure the giant
        (Give her what she wants and maybe I'll get out of this alive!)

But still the abuse went on, year after year, lie after lie,
        and a part of me slowly began to believe...

The only good, the only use I have is the playground of this
        might giant, I have no right to my own emotions, my 
        own scared space

My use is to take what she gives me and heal her wounds,
        and sing when she is sad, and laugh when she is mad
        (to get her out of her ill humor)

And cry when she needs to vent her anger
        (so she knows she has hurt someone in her pain)

"Oh God" I cry, "Not again, will this never cease?"

It never did, and so I grew up and moved away, and became the
        perfect fool for any and all kings, giants, or anyone with
        a scalpel

Yes, I learned my lessons well, keep a smiling face, never let
        anyone know how you fell, and above all else never, never
        say no.

For how could the jester jest if she was in a bad mood or laugh
        and sing and play the fool if she is having a bad day.

"No, you do not have the right to your own emotions,
        keep them at bay, especially when you are on duty every single day."

"Now be a good jester, people pleaser, whatever, dance and
        sing and play, I need my mood uplifted."

And so it went day after day, year after year....
        but the little voice within me refused to die

And quietly its message continued to echo within the scarred and 
        scared passages inside...

"You have the right, the right to your own feelings and emotions.
        It is your scared space and mine to share our communion."

And somehow thru the years, thru much giving and loving, and my
        accepting, the message is ringing clearer and clearer

Yes, I have the right to my own feelings, my own love, my
        own laughter, my own giving

I give to whom I please, I love whom I please
        and I know what is you and what is me

There is no blurring of the boundaries
        I know who I AM and stronger and stronger

And I know who you are outside my healthier
        walls of self-esteem

In fact, I'm okay, I'm growing stronger day by day
        and I do what I damn well please

There is no more open door to my insides, my emotions,
        to do what you will

I have my own feelings now
        to do what I will

And the little voice inside which has always 
        been my friend....

I have signed a pact of peace, love
        and acceptance

And we often sit in communication
        laughing, playing, giggling

Safe within our scared space of joyous
        holy communion.

Thank you for sharing with us Sue!


Tuesday, May 17, 2016


                                                                Portland, Oregon 2016

I am an old woman that lives a very generic, vanilla type lifestyle. I am not wild, adventurous, thrill seeking, or crazy. Well, the jury may still be out on that last one. The only swinging I have ever done in my life is on an actual swing at a playground as a child. Even my daily diet is repetitive, bland, and lackluster. I have always been extremely modest and conservative. I get up at 6:30 a.m. sharp every morning and go to bed at 11:00 p.m. every night like clockwork. I walk my dog three miles a day, rain or shine. A wild day for me would consist of eating a large ice cream cone with sprinkles on top in place of dinner, drinking a glass of wine, and staying up past midnight. Jellybeans and Peeps are my guilty pleasures. My life could be aptly compared to watching grass grow. By the way, sadly, my grass died last summer. I miss my grass!  Most of the time, my life is routine, unimaginative, predictable, and downright boring.  The afternoon of May 5, 2016 certainly proved to be an exception to the above premise. That Thursday my life bore a striking resemblance to a scene taken straight out of a sleazy romance novel and I, Grandma, was the sexy seductress.

This is how it all began, and I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

The city of Portland received a $10,000 grant from FEMA to provide and install 400 Flash-Shake-and-Wake smoke detectors for its hard of hearing and deaf residents. The State of Oregon notified me of this opportunity since I am already in possession of a phone for the hearing impaired provided at no cost by a government agency.  I went online and completed the required application. A Certification of Eligibility documented by a professional was also required to complete the process. I printed it off and presented it to my audiologist for his signature. I am deaf in my right ear due to a disease called otosclerosis. I have lost almost 70% of the hearing on the left side. I do wear a hearing aid in that ear and for the most part, it makes me functional in social settings. I also read lips. At night I remove my aid and sleep on my left side. As a result, I am incapable of hearing anything including the “wake the dead” decibels produced by my alarm clock or the smoke detector. If either goes off, my dog dances on my head to let me know.  Therefore, I jumped at this opportunity. It would not only give me piece of mind, but my kids as well. They fret over me living alone and not being able to hear alarms.

I was notified by email that I had been approved to receive the special system and that two firefighters would arrive at my home on May 5th at 1:00 p.m. to install the equipment. A home safety audit would also be conducted.

As promised, the firefighters arrived promptly at 1:00 p.m. As I watched them “strutting their stuff” up the path, my heart skipped a beat. They both looked oh so “fine” in their uniforms. As the hunks got closer to my door, I had to catch my breath! They introduced themselves as inspectors McDreamy and Studmuffin. Up close and personal they were so Hunky Dunky Do!!!  Oh if I was only forty years younger. I had to reel my wandering mind back into reality.

Inspector McDreamy  spoke in an extremely loud voice that I was sure everyone within a mile of my house could hear. “DOES  A HARD  OF HEARING PERSON LIVE HERE?”  With a dumbfounded look on my face, I nodded in the affirmative and pointed to myself as a form of identification. “Smooth move Grandma,” I thought. I knew I still had some game left somewhere, and I desperately needed it now! He continued speaking at glass breaking decibels, and I decided to go with the flow and take some Aleve later for the headache he was giving me. The sensual buzz was gone; negated by the decibel situation. It just was not very romantic at all.

I escorted my men friends into my boudoir to set up my system. I tried to remember the last time I had had two hot men in my room at the same time. The answer had the same effect as getting a bucket of cold water dumped on my head. NEVER!  OMG, I am so boring. I was determined that I would not let this opportunity slip through my fingers! Enthusiasm renewed, I was more than happy to comply with the firefighters’ next request when he said, “WOULD YOU PLEASE LIE DOWN ON THE BED FOR US?” He did not have to ask me twice, and I feverishly leapt onto the bed almost missing my intended mark.  He was still yelling, but that was a small price to pay for the anticipated outcome. Quickly I took an inventory to make sure I hadn’t hurt myself in my overzealous leap for love. Nothing broken, I gazed up into their smoldering seductive eyes. The look sent shudders throughout my body. I thought to myself, “Grandma, this is your lucky day!” I could hear angels singing and fireworks going off. I lay on the bed in absolute bliss in a sense of anticipation.

The firefighter placed the bed shaker under my mattress. He activated it and asked in his outdoor voice, “CAN YOU FEEL THE VIBRATIONS?” I shook my head no. He continued to move the shaker in different positions and persistently inquired, “CAN YOU FEEL IT NOW? HOW ABOUT NOW?” The answer was still negative.

I closed my eyes and willed myself to feel the undulations. I encouraged myself by silently chanting, “Go Grandma, Go Grandma.” My impure thoughts were making me feel so uncatholic and unchaste. However, look at the bright side, not in a million years did I ever imagine that I would be laying on a vibrating bed on a Thursday afternoon with two hot firefighters standing over me. At my age, it doesn’t get any better than that. I can dream, can’t I?

Unfortunately, I felt nothing and began to wonder if my body was half-dead. In the end, we placed the shaker under my pillow. The firefighter must have sensed my frustration and offered up the excuse that the mattress was probably too thick. They say as you get older everything on your body hangs to the south. In my case some of my body has left the country! Now all I have to look forward to is shaken senior syndrome or whiplash from the vibrations of the shaker under my pillow. So much for Grandma’s Afternoon Delight.

The bedroom scene played out we moved on to the safety check. The firefighters complimented me on my orderly home and talked about some of the hoarding situations they had seen. “Really guys? We just shared an intimate rendezvous in the bedroom and all you want to talk about is my orderly house? I mused. The story of my life!

Before they left, I asked them to take a selfie with me.  Good naturedly they agreed. We got up close and personal, and I felt my sensual buzz reviving. I explained that the picture was for my senior memoir writing class –proof that I was not fabricating this story.

Inspector McDreamy then asked in his outdoor voice, “ARE ALL THE SENIORS IN YOUR MEMOIR CLASS LOOPED?”

Quizzically I replied, “Looped? Heavens no! The last class of each session we bring food, but other than that the only substance we consume is water.”


I let out a big sigh of relief as I replied, “In that case I can honestly say that no one in my class is looped!’ See memoir mates--I always have your backs!

As they left, they hugged me and thanked me for a fun time! I knew I still had game! They said I was one of the nicest women they had ever met. I asked them to put it in writing as proof, and they did. I was going to bring it to class, but my dog ate it! Bad dog!  This is the true story of Grandma’s almost afternoon delight! Maybe next week I will call the police department and see what they can do for Grandma! Until then, back to living the life of an old lady!

                                                                                                             --Valerie S. May 9, 2016

I hope all of you enjoy this, our writing class sure did!
Thank you Valerie!


Tuesday, February 23, 2016

The Elephant Ladies and the Original Sports Stadium Wave

Did you ever wonder about how college students entertained themselves at losing football games? About the crazy ideas inspired by youth and liquid refreshments? Did you ever consider the origin of a very famous audience participation activity that has become internationally known in team sports? Well, other sources claim the glory, but this is the real story behind The Wave.

Guest blogger, Don M., a member of my writing class, was gracious to share his story...

It was September 1972, and I was an 18-year-old freshman at the University of Washington.  One the reasons that I attended the college was to watch the football games that I had heard on the radio and had watched on TV but had never attended.

I not only attended the game, but in a few years, I would be part of initiating something that people see every day at stadiums throughout the world.  It was the original stadium wave where the crowd stands up in unison to create a wave-like motion throughout the stadium.  The UW student section also witnessed a herd of Elephant Ladies along with the wave.

Several so called "cheerleaders", like crazy George of the Oakland Athletics baseball team in 1981, claim to have actually organized this phenomena, but just like  Animal House, the movie about a rowdy college fraternity, it was a bunch of drunken students that actually started the famous sports stadium wave. 

I'm surprised that the 10,000+ students during the 1973-74 Husky Football season have not risen in unison to tell the world about the famous Sports Stadium Wave's actual conception.

After the 1972 Sonny Sixkiller era, a Cherokee Indian Quarterback, the team went into several losing seasons before Don James was hired as the football coach in 1975.  

The students kept chanting, "Fire Jim Owens! Fire Jim Owens!"  They even wore buttons to promote the firing of then Coach Jim Owens.

Rob Weller, the lead cheerleader, now a reporter for the Home Garden Network, wanted to quiet the drunken student crowd form yelling at Coach Owens.  Weller and the cheerleaders controlled the angry crowd with laughter from the student section by creating and seeking amateur comic routines from anyone and everyone.

One of the most requested routines was created by one of the lady band members who did her famous Elephant Lady routine.  The marching band uniform had a large zipper in the front of the pants and also large white pockets, so when you turned the pockets inside out, they looked like large elephant ears.  The co-ed band member, named Elephant Lady, would turn her pants pockets inside out to form the elephant ears, and then she would stick her hand and arm through the zipper opening which was supposed to look like the trunk of the elephant.

The Elephant Lady was pleased with her new "trunk" and said that her trunk could do all sorts of tricks.  She proudly stuck both arms through the zipper and announced that her female species of elephant had two trunks.  She would then show off her two trunks by doing new tricks at each football game, like juggling or somehow playing her saxophone. The Elephant Lady then started to recruit more elephant ladies form the band until there was a herd of elephant ladies who had all sorts of tricks and magic that they could perform with their trunks.  As the losing season went along, the football team got worse, but the team and herd of UW band elephant ladies got better and saved the football season.

The Elephant Lady kept the student section laughing during the 1973 season and saved Coach Jim Owens' job that year.  Most of the elephant ladies graduated in 1974, so without their distractions for the students, the Tyee Alumni asked that Jim Owens also graduate into retirement at the end of that year.  He was fired.

Another activity to calm the rowdy student section was the famous "brown bag check". Each student section was designated by different season ticket colors.  The 10 yard to the end zone tickets were white, the 10 to 25 yard section was green, the 25 to 40 yard section was gold, and the 40 to 50 yard section was purple.

Most of the students had brought alcohol into the stadium, as long as it was in a "brown bag" to be discrete.  Then it was generally accepted because there was honor among thieves in the student section; we all looked out for each other to make sure that a friend didn't go too overboard with drinking.

Stan and I were friends since childhood, and as UW students we did our part with the preparation of our bottle-in-a-brown-bag by getting the cheapest and most powerful alcohol to sneak in and to blend it with a large bottle of Pepsi or Coke to create his semi-like cherry cola that tasted more like bad cough syrup, but we didn't care because it got us to be a couple of cheap drunks by the second quarter.  We would get a bottle of Mogen David 20/20 from our friend JP who had a fake ID.  Mogen David is widely known as "Mad Dog".  Originally, the "20/20" stood for 20 ounces at 20% alcohol by volume.  Currently, MD 20/20 is neither sold in 20 ounce bottles nor at 20%, but is actually about 13-18% depending upon the flavor.

After the band played the song "Tequila", Rob Weller would start to ask each section to stand and raise their brown bags to see how many students were drinking.  Each section would stand, cheer and "wave" their brown bags.

Weller would say, "How about the green section???!!! And the green section of about 3,000 students would stand, cheer and wave their brown bags.  Weller would then say, "How about the purple section???!!!.  That section, also about 3,000 students, would stand, cheer, and wave.

Once, Weller just happened to ask the white section near the end-zone, then he asked the adjacent green section, then the gold and finally the purple section, which ended up being in sequence form the end zone to the 50-yard line at mid-field.  He started laughing and said that this sequential brown bag check made that side of the stadium look like a "wave", and then he started to ask the student section to repeat the born bag check in the same sequence, but to do it faster.

He shouted "white, then green, then gold, then purple".  He paused for a moment and laughed as he continued with "white, then green, then gold, then purple, then white, then green, then gold, then purple".  He began to sound like a train engineer conducting this stadium wave with his cheering directions and laughing over the microphone and large speakers.

Soon Rob started to organize the wave onthe north side of the stadium with the student "brown bag check".

In the 1970's, the NCAA would allow student section leaders to have huge speakers to lead the students with their cheers.  These speakers were like the ones used on aircraft carriers which are six-feet in diameter. Rob had the cheerleaders turn the west side speaker toward the closed bowl of the stadium so half of the crowd could now understand what was being organized.  After the crowd saw the student wave and heard the instructions on the west-end speaker, gradually the rest of the stadium caught on and the wave started from the student section and continued all the way over to the south end toward the alumni section, the Tyees.

If someone at KOMO TV station in Seattle could find some 1974 archive of the "Husky Highlight" films, the old Jim Owens TV show with the KOMO sports anchor Bruce King, then you would see the wave in the background.

The University of Washington tries to hide the real origin of the wave by stating that the band director along with Rob Weller, then retired, came back in 1981 to organize a method for The Wave with instructions and everything, but it was, in truth, a bunch of drunken students who accidentally and proudly raised their bottles in brown bags to form the original stadium crowd wave along with the ghost of the past herd of elephant ladies playing tricks with their trunks of the previous year.

It was not in 1981, but it was back in the dark, losing Husky days of 1973-74.

-- Don M. (Class of 1978)

Thank you Don!


Monday, June 15, 2015

A Farewell Tribute to My Love by Valerie S.

Attractions can be very strong, almost to the point of obsession.  Most of us show a strong need to have someone or something in our life that is hard to leave behind. Valerie tells us of her past love, and the strong hold it had on her.

A  Farewell Tribute to My Love

Love can make you do anything, including sacrifice for what would be better in the end. Everything seems brighter, happier, and wonderful when you are in love. It is an unconditional affection with no limits. The feeling it generates warms your heart and brings you serenity. It is a powerful word and not to be tossed about flippantly. Alfred Lord Tennyson’s renowned quote states, “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” This is my love story.

It all began some 40 years ago. The first encounter was definitely not some tawdry prearranged clandestine lust filled rendezvous. It was not like that with us and never developed into anything of the sort.  Our love was pure and irreproachable. From the very first time, I touched my lips to his mouth and tasted his sweetness, I knew. My resolve recklessly abandoned me like a lost balloon jerked from a child’s hand by a violent gust of wind.  The chemistry between us was instantaneous. The bond was undeniable.  For the next forty years, he would be by my side.

According to society’s dictated criterions of attractiveness, he would never attain a position or honorable mention in the category labeled “beautiful people.”  That never mattered to me. It was not about looks and it never had been. He was a short man with a barrel like chest. This feature made him seem even shorter and stouter. His rather short neck sat atop his plump chest giving him an almost comical look.  Yet every time I saw him, I was not looking at the outward appearance, but instead blinded by the bright light of his intrinsic value and what he brought into my life. It was powerful and all consuming.

He was not a charmer in any sense of the word, but his presence was seductive and compelling. He unfalteringly remained at my side through thick and thin over the many years we were together.  He picked me up when I was down. He always came eagerly when I reached out for him and never a harsh word passed between us. When life overwhelmed me, I turned to him for comfort. When I was exhausted, his fortitude propelled me forward. He was my constant in an unpredictable universe. He was very altruistic never requesting or demanding anything in return. It was all about me! It was always that way. He was my everything. I often chuckled aloud as I playfully referred to him as my guilty pleasure!

He was my constant and faithful companion. Friends and family often joked that we were like conjoined twins: but our relationship was far from symbiotic. I was incapable of providing him the same level of gratification and comfort that I greedily usurped from his being. He never once complained! He unconditionally accepted me for who I was. Not one iota of judgment or reproach ever crossed his lips. He was my safe port on a stormy day.

It was not always as idyllic as it sounds. Over the years, I ended things with him on several occasions.  During these interludes, I thought about him repeatedly almost to the point of being obsessive. My friends and family would encourage me to move forward and not look back.  It was easy for them to minimize his importance in MY life. If circumstances reversed, their viewpoint might be totally altered.  So time after time, I summoned him back into my life and as submissively as he always departed, he returned. Once again, all was right with my world.
There came a point in my life were I was beginning to realize that the liaison was dysfunctional and not in my best interest. This time was different from the times before that I had half heartily terminated things. The stakes were higher and the end payoff indisputably greater. Our last night together was bittersweet. I conveyed to him with emotionally charged sentiment how much he had meant to me over the years. I thanked him from the depths of my heart for being my rock, my anchor, (and chuckling) my guilty pleasure. He sat quietly before me taking it all in and as always, he remained the ultimate consummate gentleman.  “I love you, “I gushed. “You will always be a part of me. That will never change. We shared the good times together and weathered many a storm. I will not forget you. ““What you and I shared is priceless, “I blurted all this out my eyes blinded by tears.  There was no more talk and gently caressing him, we walked to the door for our final goodbye. He was gone. This time it was forever!

Many a time, I have found myself frequenting our favorite haunts in hopes that I might catch a glimpse of him. My intention is not to reunite, but just to absorb the energy his essence exudes. It is comparable to basking in the sunshine and soaking up that wonderful warm feeling. It radiates to your heart and soul touching every part of your body giving you that inviting restful sensation. Many times our paths have crossed in these familiar settings. I always keep my distance and make sure that he is not aware of my presence. I do this not out of respect for him, but the temptation of being so close in proximity is just too risky for me.

There are times when I observe him from afar just hanging out doing his own thing. More often than not, he is in the company of other women. I have witnessed them putting their lips on his mouth. That enrages me. I must summon up all my resolve so that I do not sprint over there and angrily wrench him away from the arms of his current hussy. With heart racing, quivering knees and my lips yearning for a taste of his sweet mouth, I turn and leave. I have avoided the temptation yet once again. It has been over a year since our last fateful night and my paramount desire for him is slowly ebbing away. I am no longer the captain of his ship and I must leave him to steer his own course no matter where it transports him or how distant the land. As the saying goes, “all good things must come to an end.” We sure had one heck of a run!



Goodbye my love
Farewell my love
The time has come to part ways forevermore 
Hence I must bid you my final adieu!

I will miss you every day,
My thoughts will often be of you.
Time heals all wounds,
At least that is what I hope to do.

This parting of ways had to be,
All my friends and family agree!
Time to move on
Time to let go

A few last shared thoughts before I go,
I hope will ease the pain if I let you know.
I will remember the time spent with you.
I will remember the memories old and new.
But most of all,
I will always remember you!

Goodbye my love,
Farewell my love,
This is my final adieu.
It was never meant to be
We both know destiny stepped in and parted you and me.

Please join me as I raise my glass in a toast to pay homage one last time to my lost love…Diet Pepsi.

Valerie S.


Friday, June 5, 2015


The things man invents!  Does everything have both a good side as well as an evil side? No doubt you can find many situations where some invention has its pluses and minuses. Such love-hate relationships!


It’s a crazy relationship, that little tube and me. Whenever we meet I always get the short end of the stick, in other words, I loose big time!

It was early in the 1970’s the first time I saw the commercial of the guy in a hard hat hanging from a steel girder; I knew that was for me.  There were so many things to repair, but my savior definitely had other ideas as we entered into the love-hate relationship that we still enjoy today.
Remembering the thrill of the hunt as I headed into the hardware store on my quest for the magical fixer, my stomach takes a turn as visions of embarrassing and painful moments flash before me.
It was a lovely sunny morning in Salt Lake City and my partner and I had just won a doubles tennis match which left me feeling able to conquer anything.  Rushing home to shower and change in time to teach my Weight Watcher class at 11:00 always gave me a lift, but today was special. Tennis partner Caroline and I finally found our rhythm, and we trounced our nemesis for the first time.
I showered and dried my hair, grabbed a quick snack and went to get dressed. Reaching for the closet door I accidentally hit the door with my forefinger and broke my fingernail halfway down the nail bed. It really hurt, and I knew that a Band-Aid was not going to do the trick. I needed a quick fix and thought – CRAZY GLUE!

I ran to the garage to get my tube of glue and went into the bathroom to find my bottle of acetone polish remover. I took off my robe as I didn’t want to get any acetone on it. I sat on the edge of the bathtub, dressed in panties and bra, hesitating before starting to remove the polish, figuring this was going to hurt, but it had to be done. I screamed as the acetone hit my bleeding nail. I heard a scratching on the bathroom door. Sure enough there was Mitzi our little Pomeranian-terrier mix who came to see why I was making all that noise. Leaving the door open so she could watch would eliminate her scratching the door as she always did. So she sat in the doorway and watched me finishing with the acetone.

When finished I returned it to the cupboard under the sink. Sitting back down on the bathtub and crossing my legs to raise my hand by laying it on my knee, Mitzi barked at me. Could this dog be trying to tell me something?  I opened the tube and as directed broke the seal, where upon it spewed glue into the air which promptly landed on my hand gluing it firmly to my knee. Reaching for a towel while still holding the tube of glue, it spewed again going between knees. Trying to wipe it up before anything stuck was not a smooth move. There I sat on the edge of the bathtub with a hand towel stuck to my knees, my knees stuck together, with a hand stuck on the top of my knee and a broken nail throbbing after contact with acetone and glue. I reached under the sink for the bottle of acetone and screamed with pain as my legs could not decide which one was going to relinquish its skin. Mitzi started barking and dancing up and down, and I was trying to figure out how in the heck I was going to get unstuck and make it to my class in a half an hour.

Rolling off the bathtub would put me close enough to the door of the cupboard so off I went and just remembering the pain makes me want to cry. Screaming and crying brought the dancing dog to lick my face, then she licked my hand and the taste of the glue made her stop and the look on her face said, “Lady you’re on your own”, as she backed up to the door and promptly sat down on the threshold, where she would look at me shake her head then let out a bark. I really think she was laughing.
I made it to the cupboard door and low and behold I was lying on my left side where I landed on my arm, which was the only mobile one, and commenced trying to get my arm from under my body which meant a lot of screaming and barking.

Finally my arm was free but there was barely enough room to open the door and hopefully enough room to pull the bottle of acetone through. Yeah, just barely made it, but now what? In order to save the carpeting meant getting into the bathtub. I didn’t know if there was enough acetone in the bottle to do the job and didn’t want to waste any. I practiced some self-hypnosis, a technique that I had learned when pregnant. Soon I was in the bathtub with a lot of screaming and barking.

It was a long process of dripping acetone between my knees until I finally pulled them apart with out loss of skin, it just hurt like hell. Next came my hand. Noticing that my nail was glued and that it looked stable gave me some comfort. All told it took 45 minutes to become unstuck. I called the Weight Watcher Center and told them I had a little accident and would be delayed for another 15 minutes. I was told that was okay because there was a full house and they were still weighing and checking in. After finally arriving in one piece, the first thing the clerk said to me as I reached for the check-in cards, “Lee what happened to the polish on your nail?”
“Strange,” I said, “It came off in the bathtub.”
Over the years, due to Super Glue, I have had so many things stuck to other things that had no business sticking to those things. There are spots on cabinets and dressers where paint and finishes are gone because I had to chisel something off their surface.

While visiting my with my son in England, once again I was confronted with my old enemy.  Reaching for something in a cupboard, I broke a fingernail down to the quick, again! A search turned up a tube of the English version of Crazy Glue, but this time I would be smart and hold my hand over the sink. This tube had been opened, and now we had glue hardened at the opening and nothing wanted to come out. I found a pin and poked the opening.  I squeezed, nothing, squeezed again this time really hard. Once again the spewing glue found its way between my fingers and the one finger trying to hold my fingernail in place.  Trying to lift my middle finger from my forefinger was useless. At least I had a thumb and little finger to try and grab something. But there was nothing to grab, since my son doesn’t wear polish; he had no need for acetone.

Learning the hard way that polish remover without acetone does not remove crazy glue, I set out for the neighbor next door in hopes that she would have some acetone. Hope was dashed when she looked at my hand and burst out laughing. She shook her head and explained that she just goes to the nail salon in the village and they take care of all the messy stuff. She would have offered to drive me to the village but her car was in the shop. I was getting frantic as it was nearing time to leave for my appointment with the counselor. Maybe the counselor could tell me why I continued to have long fingernails, which on occasion brought me nothing but pain and embarrassment.

While waiting for my son Chris to arrive I tried every thing imaginable. Running hot water over my skin until I couldn’t stand it any more did nothing but give me red skin that hurts. Chris soon arrived and in his military problem-solving manor, assessed the situation and told me he would be right back. He took off and in 15 minutes was back with a bottle of acetone from the salon in the village. It took about ten minutes to get me unstuck, and off we went to the counselor. Of course we were late, but he delivered me to the door, stating to the counselor “Sorry I was late, it took me longer than I thought to unglue her, and she can explain.”

Of course she laughed!

The next day I was at the salon in the village having my nail repaired and all my nails filed shorter than they had been in years, and yes she laughed!

It was just two weeks ago that after noticing that there was a crack in a cup handle I thought that this time I would be smart and not have my fingers any where near the glue except to hold the tube.  I turned the cup upside down on my wooden worktable and squeezed the little tube. Not only did it come out of the tip but it came out of the side and right between my fingers.

I ran to get my acetone and fifteen minutes later freed the tube from my fingers. While checking the cup handle, it was apparent that the glue had hit the crack, and it looked good. About an hour later as I walked by the table, I grabbed the cup, and it felt like my arm came out of its socket. The cup was firmly attached to the table. Looking closer I could see that a line of glue ran down from the handle and worked its way around the rim. Using a very thin knife and working my way around the rim, I freed the cup without using acetone.

It is my firm belief that Crazy Glue is inherently evil. It was invented by some demented person to insure that innocent people like me will suffer the pain and humiliation of thinking they can actually fix something with Crazy Glue. Except for my fingers it has never adhered to something I wanted to repair as advertised. How they got that guy in the steel hat to hang from that girder was a trick! The warning label should read, sticks only to human skin.

It is my fervent hope that if someone is reading this in a hundred years, they can benefit from my disasters or maybe crazy glue now comes in a spew-proof tube, or some genius invented anti-glue.

Lee V.
April 25, 2015

Thank you Lee!!



Embarrassing Moments

Many of us have had an occasion or two to embarrass ourselves. There's the "open-mouth-insert-foot" comment that totally mortifies you, and sometimes the "curiosity-killed-the-cat" situation which leaves you smelling more like a dead cat.  AND, of course, we cannot just embarrass ourselves in private...we need an audience!

Oh No!!!

We all like to retain our composure but sometimes life has a way of bringing us back to earth; sometimes with an embarrassing jolt. There are a few things that have happened to me that can still bring a blush to my face when I think of them. These are a few of them although I’m sure there are many more.

Early in my marriage I embarrassed myself in front of my new Mother-in-law. I liked Mrs. Kelley and wanted her to get to know my mom better, so we were all having lunch together on the patio. It’s funny how I can still remember where I was sitting and what was on my plate when I recall the incident. We were getting along just fine when I asked my mother for some advice on how to make gravy. I grew up on nice smooth broth-based gravy. I didn’t know how to cook too well at this time. "Mom, how do you make gravy?" I asked. "Jerry makes the worst lumpy, thick, white gravy I ever tasted." Then I went on to describe his method. He added flour to the frying pan after we had fried chicken, stirred it around until it was a gooey mess then put in milk and pepper. Ugh, it was horrible. "Tell me how to make good gravy."
Mrs Kelley spoke up and said very emphatically "That’s how I make gravy, and it’s good" I was embarrassed, but she was mad. After a beat or two of silence my mother interjected that there were two methods to gravy making, and that I should try both. I was so embarrassed and "Mom Kelley" was ready to go home right then. Nothing I said could smooth it over, and she thought I was making fun of her ways. I still turn red when I think of it.

The next incident happened years later. I was on a camping trip with my husband and another couple. We had known each other for years and although she was a little cautious and I was impulsive, we had a great time together. We were going to Eastern Oregon for fishing and camping, and had stopped in a small town to eat lunch. My friend and I were in the restroom washing up. While drying my hands I noticed a perfume machine on the wall. "Oh gosh," I exclaimed. "They have a perfume dispenser just like the one we had when I was in high school."
"Don’t mess around." she uttered from her booth.
"Oh but this is one of those that dispense tiny glass vials of perfume, I haven’t seen one for years." I was taken back to my teen years.
"Don’t touch it," she ordered. She was still in the booth. Huh, she has a lot of nerve ordering me around.
"Oh look it even has Chanel Number 5." I was very taken with it although I didn’t wear perfume at all. I was definitely going to explore.
"Just leave thing alone" she told me. Well I don’t like people telling me what to do and besides what was the harm. I wanted that tiny pencil shaped sample of perfume for old-times sake. I didn’t have a quarter and she wasn’t giving me one. What was taking her so long anyway? After digging through my purse I did find one and inserted it quickly like a naughty kid before she could stop me. Nothing came out, and I was trying to see how it worked, trying to figure out where it came out, I stooped down to see where the perfume was when it sprayed me right in the face and mouth. Yipes! I rushed to the sink to try and wash out my mouth, and get the yucky smelling junk off my face.
In the meantime of course Dee showed no sympathy. "Why couldn’t you just leave it alone." The more I rubbed water on my face the worse it reeked. Don’t say anything I warned her as we made our way back to the table.
"Boy you guys sure took a long time" our husbands said. We ordered and began to eat when they started asking what that horrible smell was. It was on my blouse and I guess some in my hair. Well we told our story and got a good laugh, but we rode with the windows down the rest of the way, and the smell stayed with me for a long time, saturating the tent and me for most of the trip.

Dede K.
Apr 2015

Thank you Dede.


Finders Keepers

All of us lose or misplace items and much more as we age. We have experienced the panic and frustration as we tear throughout house trying to locating the missing item.  This story will ring true for many of us, but hopefully, not to this degree. 

Originally, this memory was written in two parts but is presented here in full.

Finders Keepers...

You know the rest…Losers weepers. I’m weeping. Not really weeping, but I am a sore loser. Let me tell you my sad tale.

This summer Jerry and I celebrated our 50th Anniversary. We went on a cruise to Alaska with relatives and friends. It was an exciting trip, and one I’ll never forget. I will tell you about the cruise at another time. It’s what happened after the cruise that has made me a loser.

The day before the trip Jerry and I decided we had too much cash on hand to carry around on the ship. We had an extra $700 dollars, so I said, "I’ll take it down the basement and hide it.’’

This was fine with hubby so off I went. I was very busy getting ready to leave the next day, packing, watering plants, making phone calls, and going through the bills. I realize now that there were too many things on my mind. Everything went smoothly the next day, and off we went.

We arrived home seven glorious days later. We went to a cook out the next day then I came down with a summer cold and was sick for two or three days. It was a week later when I finally remembered the cash. Imagine my surprise when I went to the basement only to discover that I couldn’t find it. I looked in the places I thought it should be, but no luck. Therefore, I looked some more, no money. For the next several hours, I searched in earnest. My basement is my former workroom and office. I keep all my card making and art supplies there too. I looked in and under everything that is movable. In tiny boxes of screws and nails, in my ribbons, under the radio, in cans of buttons, in all my books, through my sewing supplies, in and under my sewing machines, through my files, and in photo boxes. I tore my desk apart many times; I looked behind the pictures on the wall and my calendar. I went upstairs and came back down thinking the hiding place would occur to me. My recollection of hiding the money was nil. Nothing.

The third afternoon, I finally asked Jerry what we did with the $700 dollars we had because I wanted to deposit in the bank.

"You hid it don’t you remember?"

"No I don’t remember."

I had to confess that I couldn’t find it. I have spent the last week trying to find that darn money. Day after day I looked. I tried putting it out of my mind. I tried sleeping on it, but no luck. I took all the envelopes out of the wastebasket and held them to the light. I went outside and went through the recycling, still no money. I don’t like to think of myself as a loser but what can I say? I’ve looked and looked and looked. I told my husband that maybe I will have to get hypnotized. He thinks I’m joking, but I am not.

At this point I have looked upstairs, downstairs, in the laundry room, and through both storerooms. I have looked in all our pockets in the closet and through all my purses.

I have not told my kids yet. I‘m afraid they will think I’m losing my memory, but I’m sure that’s not the case. I still remember my appointments and what people said to me yesterday and last week. Where is that money? I am leaving a folded one-dollar bill on my desk as a magnet.

To be continued…

Where’s the money?

It’s the third week in August and I am still looking for my hidden $700 dollars. By now, I have gradually told the kids. They have come up with some very devious places to hide things, but none of them has panned out. I haven’t let any of them actually look for it, but I have taken their suggestions. By now, I just look every two or three days, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I am not going to find that darn money, but it‘s like something you just can‘t let go.

One day, after another fruitless search, it occurred to me that maybe Jerry had found the money early on and was playing a trick on me. After all, he has been saying for years that he would pay me back sometime for the "laxative in the brownies" incident. He had been much calmer about the lost money than he usually was about things. He just kept saying, "It will turn up sooner or later. This wasn’t like him. So one day when my youngest daughter, Jenny was there, I confronted him with this idea. I knew he would fess up and have a good laugh with a witness. No, he didn’t have it. Well, that was the end of that theory. I was kind of disappointed to tell the truth. OK, the money is gone. Forget about it. That is it, I decided.

In the very beginning of September my son, Tom came for a visit with his girlfriend Joanna, and her daughter, Candice. We spent the weekend shopping for clothes and things for her college dorm. Tom spent the nights searching for the money. The last night they were there Joanna and her daughter asked if they could search. "Go right ahead", I replied I’ll just stay here and have a cup of coffee.

They had only been searching a short while before I decided to join them in the basement, curiosity you know.

 "Did you hide the money because you thought someone was going to break in while you were gone or did you just tuck it away until you got home?" Joanna asked me.

"I just tucked it away."

"Oh that’s a completely different story they said." 

They began to search superficially. It wasn’t five minutes before Candice reached in a basket and said, "could this be it?’ She held up a bank envelope. Oh my gosh! I opened it and there was my money. After the hooting and hollering, we told the guys. We jumped around and celebrated for a while. It was unbelievable. That darn money was in a basket that I had looked in more than once. It was pushed up under the rim. Jerry gave her a fifty-dollar reward.

People have asked me if I remembered putting it there, but I can honestly say I don’t remember hiding it at all.

My kids were a little disappointed that they didn’t get a chance at the reward.

Dede K.

Thank you for sharing Dede!